49. The End

49. The End

5 May 1975

Series 5 concludes with a sublime bottle episode, which, as lore would have it, came about because the lads had blown their budget on preceding productions and needed to economise. What a gift—to spin straw into gold!

The End contains no original music; no outdoor sequences; no guest stars, save the ever-reliable Corbet Woodall:

Pictures: Corbet Woodall as the on-screen newsreader, dressed firstly in his usual suit, then in more shabby clothing. Graeme’s arm reaches across to mute the TV.

Dialogue from the episode:
Corbet:	 In the light of the increasing poverty of the nation, the government have decided that work on the new Brighton to Birkenhead Freeway will be suspended indefinitely.
Bill: What?! Oh, blimey. Operator!
Corbet: News is just coming in—
Bill: Operator? Give me the Ministry of Works. Operator, please. Please!

Instead, the Super Chaps find comedy in nothing—quite literally so, in the case of Bill and Tim’s imaginary friends (Bruce and Charlie) and Graeme’s assortment of imagined household objects (including an imaginary staircase leading to an imaginary second storey!). They find humour in absences—the long-awaited rescue, the eventuality of which they’ve taken for granted (down to the second!) and whose failure to manifest leads to teapot-choreographed panic—and in the whittling away of what we know and expect: the telephone (cut off to terminal effect); the TV (plug pulled with unceremonious glee: “The BBC have announced a cutback of 100%.”); even the furniture (eaten over the years until only one chair remains).

Picture: The Goodies’ office is now totally devoid of furniture, save one chair. Graeme and Tim, old and decrepit, stand to either side of this.

Dialogue from the episode:
Tim: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... ‘c’.
Graeme: Chair.
Tim: Well done.
Graeme: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘c’.
Tim: Chair.
Graeme: Correct.
Tim: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with, um, oh, beginning with, um, oh! ‘c’.
Graeme: Um... Chair?
Tim: Ah! Absolutely correct. 
Graeme: Really? Shot in the dark, you know.
Tim: What’s the score?
Graeme: The score is— let me take a look here... dead level.
Tim: Oh, my word. It is exciting, isn’t it?

In the end (so to speak), when the Star Trek Goodies cut their way into the office, only Tim’s painting of the Queen[1], and a poster of Davids Essex and Cassidy remain of the once-familiar surrounds. Why have these artworks survived? They are only ever seen in the background, but such was the lads’ attention to craft, the eagle-eyed viewer[2] might note that the Queen and the two Davids have grown their own beards to match those of the Super Chaps!

The poster of Davids Essex and Cassidy, with and without beards. (Tim, bearded, stands in front of the former). The painting of the Queen, likewise with and without beard.

The lads draw laughs from class divisions and from religion. The latter, in particular, might strike an off note to the modern ear and its modern sensibilities—Graeme’s lavatory-inspired monk; Tim’s opportunistic Jew; Bill’s boot polish–rendered Black Muslim—but again, one should make allowances, not necessarily for the passing of half a century, but rather of the inherent absurdity of the Goodies and how they operated. Their playing to stereotypes was an extension of their characters’ wider misguidances. Just as we’re given Graeme’s logic in designing the new Kew Gardens…

Pictures: Graeme and Bill stand beside Graeme’s scale model of the Kew Gardens redevelopment scheme (lots of blocks of concrete!); Graeme points to his own brain.

Dialogue from the episode:
Bill: What is that?
Graeme: That is a 350-foot high block of offices.
Bill: Oh yeah? Looks more like a 350-foot high block of concrete.
Graeme: Exactly.
Bill: Yes, but Graeme, you see: as an architect, I would have thought you’d have spotted this. Haven’t you noticed? No windows, no doors, eh?
Graeme: That’s the whole point, you fool. Look, do you realise the rent on that place is going to be £4,000 pounds per square foot... and that’s per minute.
Bill: Nobody can afford that, can they?
Graeme: Well of course they can’t! So there’s no point wasting money putting doors and windows in, is there? Dear me. As a matter of fact, there’s no rooms in their either. That’s so the squatters can’t move in. I’ve thought of everything.

…so, too, is the appropriation of religion an escapist flight of ignorant fancy. It is the Goodies, to a large extent at least, laughing at the British propensity for misunderstanding and for casting narrow judgement.[3] Whether the humour is strictly speaking appropriate can be debated, but whatever the verdict we should acknowledge that the Super Chaps, first and foremost, always laughed at themselves. Such had been the case ever since ‘The Tower of London’ when they debuted under their own names, and the tendency only became more pronounced in bottle episodes:

Pictures: Bill in his purple Goodies shirt; Tim in his Union Jack waistcoat, each mocking the other’s name.

Dialogue from the episode:
Tim: All my life I’ve dreamt of having a son to carry on the name of Brooke-Taylor!
Bill: Who the hell would want to carry on a name like Brooke-Taylor?
Tim: Well, it’s not as silly as Oddie. Odd/ee. Bill’Oddie. B’loddie stupid!
Graeme: Ha-ha!
Tim: Bill’Oddie stupid!!

Add to Tim and bill’s bickering, Graeme’s masterful face acting when he takes dictation from Tim and misspells his own name…

Pictures: Tim dictates to Graeme; Graeme grimaces and scribbles out an error.

Monologue from the episode:
Tim: Take a letter, would you, Graeme? ‘Dear Liz. No, um, no. No. Elizabeth. No. Ma’am. Um, Mrs Ma’am. No, um... O Queen! I wish to complain about the wicked plans of Mr Harry Highrise and his evil, so-called architect Mr, um, what’s his name? Mr Graeme Garden. Mr Graeme Garden. That’s G-R-A-E-M-E.’

…and truly we have reached comedic transcendence!

The Goodies grew gills where others would flounder, even making a rib-splitting virtue of exposition. Take, for instance, the jump-cut passing of time in The End. The first instance of this comes after Graeme’s phone call to the Ministry of Works. “It’s all right,” he assures Bill and Tim. “They said as soon as they’ve settled the strike, they’re going to call us straight back.” We then zoom in on the phone, and a silent-film action card flashes up: SIX MONTHS LATER. Whereupon the phone rings and Graeme answers it, neither he nor Tim or Bill having budged in the intervening period! It’s a glorious throwaway gag from nowhere, but not a one-off…

…because we’re then given a similar jump—TWO WEEKS LATER—when Graeme locks himself in the lavatory. The difference here is that, rather than finding Tim and Bill as he left them (busting to go!), he emerges instead to somewhat changed circumstances. (Tim: “That’s the trouble with you monks; you’ve got no idea what’s going on in the world.”) The third instance employs a different expectation gag, following Graeme’s exclamation ‘Look, I can’t take much more of this!’ with the cut SEVENTY YEARS LATER to when he and Tim, as decrepit old men but giving lie to his assertion, are shown standing around the room’s lone chair! We finish with two more expectation gags, firstly when we jump ONE YEAR LATER from Bill’s apparent demise, to find Tim and Graeme stood in mourning… for the absent, presumed-eaten chair! And finally, when we cut from Bill’s “I’m going again…” ANOTHER YEAR LATER to when he’s “…still going” but Tim and Graeme have been reduced to skeletons (one in glasses, one in the Union Jack waistcoat).

Despite its cobbled-together nature, The End was no filler episode. Rather, the lads prove themselves inspired throughout—to the extent that several scenes had to be dropped from the rehearsal script. Even then, at 29:46 minutes long, this is the most Goodies-packed offering of the entire 13-episode series (which otherwise averages 28:07). It is the brilliant bonus loaf in the baker’s dozen—not, perhaps, quite as exquisite a masterpiece as Series 7’s “Earthanasia”, but a most worthy forerunner.

A fitting end indeed to the splendiferous Series 5!

Jacob Edwards, 5 May 2025

Tweets:

The Goodies prepare to meet the queen: Bill wears a paper pirate’s hat, Tim a flower-pot, a wet shirt and Union Jack boxer shorts; Graeme a blindfold (expecting to be beheaded!).
Pictures: Tim starts the gramophone player; Bill smashes his record; Tim points accusingly.

Dialogue from the episode:
Graeme: Here’s my solution: Tim, you can be a lord... but you’ve got to clean the shoes.
Bill: Ahh!
Tim: Oh, all right. I suppose we all have to strive together to create a new society. [Starts gramophone for patriotic speech.] We shall build a fine—
Bill: [Smashes record]
Tim: You! What’d you do that for?!
Bill: Silent revolution, m’lord Timbo!
Pictures: Graeme and Tim, wearing chefs’ hats and aprons, appear to have second thoughts about cooking Bill...

Dialogue from the episode:
Graeme: Tim. Tim, come here. I mean, how are we going to cook poor little Bill?
Tim: Yes, I know.
Graeme: Do you want him boiled, roast, fried, stewed...?
Tim: Really, Graeme! ... Fried, of course.
Futuristic Graeme (with Spock ears) and Tim; Bill with their skeletal remains.

[1] Presumably it’s the queen. Given the single-episode appearance, AI image recognition isn’t convinced: “It’s hard to tell, but this might be a fish, possibly a candiru, leech, or hagfish. The image quality is poor, making it difficult to discern specific details. Additionally, the context provided, ‘Queen Elizabeth,’ does not seem related to the image content, further complicating the interpretation.”

[2] Said viewer might also spot that the first piece of furniture cooked is the elephant’s foot umbrella stand from “The New Office”!

Tim from "The New Office", clutching the elephant's foot umbrella stand. The lads in "The End", Graeme standing by a pot with the same elephant's foot umbrella stand; Bill and Tim seated (Tim ladling out stew).

[3] Precisely what their comedy might now fall foul of…

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Next: The Goodies Rule – O.K.?

Jacob Edwards